Episode 73/Transcript
Judith: Is it just me, or does she look weird to you guys? Saison: I think it is because she is not, how-do-you-say, smiling? Rachel: Yeah yeah I mean that’s how you say it, yeah. That is weird. I mean, I’m always smiling! Ha, and trust me, I got plenty to be sad about. Judith: Me too! But behind all this hardware, always smiling! Belinda: See, this woman — this woman has seen some shit. She's the kind of woman that's got... desires; desires that have gone unfulfilled for a very long time. Desires that society has deemed "inappropriate", desires that involve three - no, no no — four partners. And who are we to say that this girl isn't entitled to take a few of those partners, you know, let's just call them "farm boys". Take them up to her hay loft so they can put some things inside of her? Things that won't fit at first, but oh they will... Oh they will~...! Judith: Are you getting this off the museum guide? Rachel: Yeah, 'cuz I do not see any of that here. Deandra: Ugh, this museum fucking blows! They don’t even have a cafeteria. I had to go outside and get a street baguette. Eh well, at least it’s wrapped in bacon. chewing What’s this slut frowning about? Rachel: Apparently she wants to have an orgy or something. Deandra: Ah, of course, of course. Mackenzie: Deandra! Thank god we found you. We need your help! Deandra: Jesus Christ, are you serious?! Again?! Are we really doing this again? Brittnay: Doing what? We haven’t even said what this is about. Deandra: Ok, lemme guess. You are here because you need me to become a member of some sort of squad that you have formed for some random competition in which you are going up against another group of girls who are remarkably similar to you in both number and personality, (inhales) and in which my robotic arm will play some sort of pivotal role in our victory, yes? Mackenzie: (Beat) No... that's—not what we were gonna ask. Deandra: Well then by all means Mackenzie, what is it you need my help with? Mackenzie: We need you to join our modeling team for The Loreal International Junior Modeling Tournament so that we can beat the French squad who have vowed to destroy us. Deandra: For the love of God, Zales! You realize we do this every few months, right I mean get a new fucking gimmick, dude! Mackenzie: Oh whatever the fuck, Deandra! Do we need to sit here and argue for the next eight minutes or can we just agree that you’re going to join the squad in exchange for some perverse food request and/or random pooping privilege? Deandra: Yeah, yeah we can work the details out later. I’m in. Makcnezie: Great. Deandra: You know me. Brittnay: Hey Saison. Saison: Hello Brittnay. Brittnay: So, have you gone to visit your parents yet? I’d love to meet them! In fact, I’d love to see where you were born. While we’re at it, you have your passport on you? I’d love to see it! Saison: I am sorry Brittnay, I left my passport at the how-do-you-say hotel. Brittnay: Oh how fucking convenient, Saison! Saison: Uh Brittnay, I’m actually trying not to curse in front of baby Brittnay so if you could not eh- Brittnay: Oh, I completely understand. What words were you trying to avoid? Is it things like hell, damn, fuck, shit, bitch, cunt, ass, cock, dick, cock face, dick face, dick head, dickwad, cocksmoker, cock sucker? What about words like tits, pussy, twatch, snatch, clitface, cuntface, thundercunt, dipshit, douchebag, dumbass, dumbfuck or dipshit? (Baby Brittnay giggles) I'm sure you're trying to avoid words like (Brittnay gets down to the baby's eye level) bullshit, bastard, bitchtits, buttfucker, asshole, asshat, assclown, asswipe, (Brittnay stands back up) jackass, shithead, shitface and whore, right? Are we counting words like piss, cum, cum dumpster and cum guzzler? Saison: Um... Brittnay: Oh goddamit! I almost forgot about fucker, fuckface, fuckstick, fuckwad, fuckboy, clusterfuck and of course, motherfucker. Are these all the kind of words that you're avoiding Saison? Saison: Uh yes I guess any of those, we are-eh, trying to stay away from. Brittnay: Okay, well, good luck with that. So where’s this fucking family of yours? Saison: Well, I was actually planning on visiting my parents later this week. Perhaps you would like to join? Brittnay: Why wait? Let’s go right now. Makcnezie: Brittnay, we don’t have time! We still need one more girl for our squad! Rachel: Ooookay! You twisted my arm! So, tell me about this French squad we’re going up against. Mackenzie: Are you fucking serious, Rachel? Rachel: What? I thought you said you needed more models. Mackenzie: Yeah, more models. Not a chewed-up troll doll with glasses. Rachel: Oh okay I just thought— Mackenzie: No no no. Nope. Uh-uh. No, ok? You let me be clear: you look like a chubby little troll doll that a dog has been chewing on for months, that then got buried in the ground, only to get dug back up by that same dog just so that he could take a whopping. Hot. Shit on it, after which he then proceeded to start chewing on said doll again thereby mixing the shit into all the crevices and chew marks. And that little chewed up shit doll has FUCKING bad eyesight. Rachel: Ok! I get it! Message received! I am not joining the squad! Mackenzie: Alright, c’mon Deandra. Judith: Hey Rach, that was pretty rough. You uh, you ok? Rachel: Still smiling, Judith. Still smiling. Alright yeah, man, what a game! Yeah, who woulda guessed that a bunch of French guys would be terrible at football? Well now that that’s done, I guess all that’s left is for us to just enjoy the rest of our French vacation. Hey Than, where did you read about this beach? Oh this guy I met in a bathroom stall told me about it. Yeah I guess they got really good sand or water or some shit. Oh hey here we are! Whoa! Ok! That’s a lot. That’s a lot! Than, this is a nude beach! Than: Well, I will be darned. Yes it is. Oh well, when in Rome, or uh you know, France I guess. Whatever, let’s get those dicks out! Ugh, goddamit Than! We are not taking our clothes off just so you can gawk at us. Uh, I don’t know, maybe Than has the right idea. Yeah, as long as I can keep my hat on! Eh, what the hell, it’s not like I got anything to hide. C’mon Tanner, don’t be the weird one. Ugh, fine. Well, alright, guys- Ahh! Oh! C’mon! That is unnecessary. Can’t unsee that! Tanner: Goddamit again Than! Goddamit again! You are not supposed to have a fucking boner on a nude beach. Than: Oh I’m sorry Tanner, just let me take care of that for you. (Grunts) C’mon! C'mon little guy! No! No! C'mon! He’s not listening Tanner. I’m trying. No! Sorry Tanner, I think we just gotta wait until nature runs it course on this one. Or, you could run nature’s course on me! Uh, hard pass. Liam Neeson: Excuse me gentlemen, have you any of you seen my daughter? No, sorry, no. Liam Neeson: Ok, thank you. Carry on. Hey there they are! Hey baby! You found us! Oh, uh Matthew, you’re um, you guys have your uh- Your hot dogs are out of your buns! Oh haha, yeah ok here’s the thing... Blaine? It’s a nude beach! Oh! Uh, so does that mean that everyone has to get naked? Trisha 2: (naked) Oh yeah, that’s a good question. Is that what that means? Boys: (Stammering) Tanner: Oh for fuck’s sakes guys, they’re just tits. Oh uh yeah! Yeah! Alright Trisha 2 those are some real, uh, mammaries you’re showing the boys! And me as well! We’re all turned on! Aw, you fuckin’ traitor. Trisha: So guys, um nice ding dongs by the way, we need your help to win an international modeling competition. Would you guys like to be the male models on Team USA? Yes absolutely! Really?! Yeah, are there gonna be like a bunch of ripped dudes all greased up walking around in their bathing suits and shit? Yeah, I guess so. Then fuck yeah, I’m in. Um, yeah actually, and I can’t believe I’m saying this out of my mouth out loud, but I think I’m with Than on this one. Than: Hey! And we’re back in business. Baby, anything to help you. Blaine: Yeah, and me and Justin don’t really get to have opinions of our own, so we’re in! Justin: Why not, as long as I can keep my hat on! Than: Alright, great, hey but before we head out, Than’s gonna go get a little bit wet. Trisha 2: Ooooh, swimming sounds fun! Matthew: No no no no, hey uh, he’s uh... He’s not going swimming. Trisha 2: Hmmm, oh boogie boarding?! (at a bistro, the Van Buren family is there. And so are Mackenzie, Brittnay, and Deandra) Brittnay: Isn’t there anyone else? Mackenzie: We need one more person, and she’s the only one left. Brittnay: God, this summer fucking blows. Category:Season 5 transcripts